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Our Loss

Thank you so much to all of you who shared in the excitement of the news that we were expecting our seventh baby. We were so thrilled. Sadly, last Friday, just shy of 13 weeks, I miscarried that little one. It’s been an emotional week of ups and downs, but I’m doing well. I’ve been surrounded by the love of friends and family, reminded of how blessed I am even in such a difficult time. After a few days of recovery, my husband and I made the decision that it was best for me to continue with my plans for Market next week. Everyone is different when it comes to dealing with early pregnancy loss. I have a need to keep my hands busy and having something constructive to focus on has been very healing for me.

I’m going to share a bit of the story and some of my feelings in the following paragraphs. I totally understand, though, if it’s too much, and you’d rather just skip the rest. I have a tendency myself to avoid things that might make me cry. Things will be back to normal here soon.

Miscarriage is such a difficult subject to discuss. Many, including myself, deal with it in silence for the most part. This is our sixth pregnancy loss, and each has its own story. A positive pregnancy test is so full of joy and excitement for all of us, but when you’ve experienced a loss in the past, it’s met with a measure of caution, as well. Because of our past losses, we keep our pregnancies just between my husband and I until I start feeling those familiar strong pregnancy symptoms. In the past, that has been our sign that the pregnancy is healthy and will continue without a problem. That wasn’t the case this time. I had just breathed that sigh of relief to be past the high risk 12-week mark. I was allowing myself to really dream of who this little person would be. Our conversation was full of guesses as to gender and suggestions of names. We’d started the process of gathering the baby items that we’d loaned out to loved ones. We were chatting with our little ones about their new little brother or sister. I was even feeling those little occasional baby flutters. The bleeding came on suddenly and without warning. I was in the middle of a photoshoot for a new set of patterns — I’m so thankful that I had decided to do it here in my own backyard. Within a few hours, it was all over. Traumatic is the best word that I can find to describe it.

Like everyone who has walked this path, I wondered if there was anything that I could have done to change what happened. I’m thankful that I’m confident in my knowledge that nothing comes as a surprise to God. It’s not easy, but I’ve been able to see glimpses of His hand in all of this, even through my anger that He would allow this to happen to us . . . again. If you’re walking this path right now, I think it’s okay to be angry. Don’t hold onto that anger too long — it’ll take over — but if you’re like me, it helps to yell at God like a two-year-old having a temper tantrum. Sharing your real feelings is part of having real relationship. He’ll still love you and still draw you back to Him . . . even if you refuse to pick up a Bible for a week. He’ll send along friends to share His word or sneak in a song that speaks to your heart.

If you happen to have a friend or loved one who has recently experienced a pregnancy loss, my advice is to offer your prayers, do something practical or just loving, but be understanding. If she doesn’t want to see you and chat, don’t take it personally. If she’s like me, she doesn’t like for other people to see her cry. We’ve had meals and snacks provided by friends all week. We’ve received cards, notes, emails, texts, Facebook messages. The flowers that you see above were hand-delivered by two very dear blogging friends along with chocolate a few days after I came home from the hospital. (As a quick side note, I am so blessed to work in the fabric/sewing/blogging industry. I am overwhelmed with the outpouring of kindness and support that I’ve received from the people that I work with and alongside. This industry is truly one with heart.) Every message, meal and gift helped to lift us and get us through.

Even just being willing to pretend like everything is normal can be a blessing. I had an appointment to get my hair done on Tuesday, and I really couldn’t reschedule it. I texted my hairdresser on Monday evening, told her what had happened and asked her to tell me everything that she wanted to tell me via text so that we could just act like nothing was out of the ordinary on Tuesday morning. Since it was my first time leaving the security of my own home, it was so nice to just join in the everyday busy salon conversation. It’s amazing how encouraging it can be to just experience normalcy for a bit.

I have quite a bit of work to get done over the next few days, but I’m being kind to myself and not worrying about getting everything finished. Things may not end up being quite the way I had expected them to be, and that’s okay. If you happen to run into me at Market or anywhere else, please feel free to act as if everything is normal. I promise that I’ll appreciate it. If you ask me how I’m doing, I can’t promise that I won’t fight back tears, but chances are I’ll be just fine. I’ll probably say that I’m doing okay. Really, I’m sad, but joyful, too. When I run across the co-sleeper in the garage or my youngest asks again about the baby coming, the sadness comes crashing back in on me. My dreams of getting to know the baby that I was expecting are not going to happen. I can’t change that. In spite of that, though, I am so blessed with so much, and for that, I can find joy in the midst of my sorrow.

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37 Responses to Our Loss

  • Susan says:

    I am overwhelmed by your strength and courage. I pray not just for physical healing, but for a mending of your heart.

  • Tibeca Yao says:

    I too have experienced pregnancy loss. It is heart breaking. May you have the time to allow your heart to heal. B.g .

  • Kelly T says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. God bless you as you move forward in life. Thanks for sharing your experience, as painful as it may have been for you.

  • noreen says:

    My prayers and love to you, mama. I’m reading thus while sitting in the parking lot if my midwives’ office, waiting to fo in for my first heartbeat check (I’m 13wks+4days). I have had three losses (four babies) myself, so this check-up is extremely anxiety-inducing. (I’m sure you can relate.) I’m so sorry for your loss, and I will keep you in my prayers.

  • fenna says:

    So sorry to hear of your loss–my heart goes out to you! We’ve also had miscarriages (2) and you’re right, after a positive test, you rejoice and yet there is a caution–a holding back of full rejoicing. Praying for you and your family!

  • Barb says:

    Bonnie, I totally understand your need for keeping constructively busy and focused on a project. For me being busy is a way for my mind to stay occupied and somehow the sadness isn’t as unbearable. Thinking of you and your family at this time. Hugs

  • Mary Frisko says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Your story is so touching and I hope it helped you to share it. God Bless you and your family.

  • Abby says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Too often miscarriage is hidden. Telling your story took amazing strength. I hope that the grief lessens and you find peace in the upcoming months. Honor that loss whatever way makes sense for you and listen to what you need whether working, or crying, or talking, or writing. I’m so so sorry for your loss. Know that there is a community praying for you and your family.

  • LesLee says:

    Big hugs to your whole family. The only thing that helped me was thinking about meeting that little one in Heaven, God is so good to give us that hope.

  • Debbie says:

    So sorry to hear of your loss. I, too, loss a number of babies at various times during their pregnancies. It is sad no matter when it happens. If I lived near you I would offer you my shouldre to rest your head on and shed tears. <3

  • Tammy Thomas says:

    I am so sorry for you lose…I have had to miscarriages in my life time. But have 4 wonderful children. Including a set of twins. They are all grown now…and having children of your own. Loved to read your story of how you are coping. As my grandmother had always told me” God doesnt give you more than you can handle.” I looked at it that way.
    Tammy

  • Sue says:

    Very sorry to hear of your loss. God had a reason or this wouldn’t have happened. My 1st son was born @ 6 1/2 months, lived 6 days & God took him home on my 1st wedding anniversary. My pastor helped me with prayer & knowing God had a reason. If this situation is to happen, trust me it is far better to happen early like you did than actually hold a small life in your arms. May God be with you in your difficult times now & lay a healing hand on you. I am now a Great Grandmother & I know God never puts more on your shoulders than he knows you can handle. God bless you & your family. You’re in my heart & prayers.
    ” Sue “

  • Karen H. says:

    Bonnie,
    So very sorry to hear of the loss of your little one. I pray for God’s healing touch for you and your husband, for God’s peace in the midst of turmoil. God bless you and your family.

  • Beth T. says:

    My heart goes out to you. You are wise to know what you need and to be able to share that with the many people who care about you and whose paths cross yours. Take good care of yourself.

  • Alisa says:

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. We too have been down this road. May God give you strength and comfort. It was during my lowest that God felt the strongest and that is a good thing.

  • Kris says:

    Bonnie,

    As yet another mother who’s lost a precious little one, I wanted to reach out to you. I know you know this, but sometimes it helps to have someone say it anyway: each of your babies that have gone before you, lived their entire Earthly existence in perfect safety, warmth, and love. They never knew pain, they never knew loss, they never knew fear. They were blessed, by you, with an entire life of perfect peace. It’s one of the most difficult gifts we can give the children we don’t hold in our arms, but please know that you gave that beautiful brief life to each of your small ones, every bit as much as you give it to your wonderful family that you still hold in this world. As mothers, that is our blessing, even in our times of desperate sorrow. When you are reunited, they will be waiting for you, with open arms, and hearts of full of gratefulness because you are their Mommy.

    I will be thinking of you.

  • Becky says:

    Bonnie,
    I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. There are no words that make sense or sound right. Please know, You and your family are thought of with love and kindness always.

    From my family to yours;

    Much love and respect!

    Becky, Bob, Ian, Caila.

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